MECHANIC VS SURGEON
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
STRANDED ON A DESERTED ISLAND
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?""Ten years!" he says.She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"He replies, "Ten years!"She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" and the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"*********************************************THE HOMELESS MAN
A Bro' was walking down the street, sportin' his colors when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Instead of beating him to a bloody pulp, the Bro' took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and said, "It took a lot of balls for you to hit me up money, so I've gotta believe you're in bad shape. Let me ask you this. If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "Hell no," said the homeless man. "I stopped drinking 25 years ago."
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the Bro' asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need every damn nickel I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on motorcycles or anything related to hot rods instead of food?" the man asked. "Absolutely not!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't ridden in 20 years and I haven't had a car for at least 5 years."
"Well," said the Bro', "I lied man. I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my Old Lady."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, my clothes are ragged and I probably smell pretty bad."
The Bro' replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, motorcycles and cars!"
*********************************************MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
*********************************************TEXAS STATE TROOPER
Two California bikers are riding through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walks up and stands there for a second, then whacks the biker with his night stick on the head. The rider slumps over his handlebars for a minute then comes to and asks, "WTF was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your ride." Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the rider says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and it comes up clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around the back of the first bike and as he steps up next to the second rider the trooper smacks him with the nightstick on the head too.
After he recovers, the somewhat dazed biker asks, "Hey, Man!! What was that for?" The trooper answers, "Just making your wishes come true." Still incredulous, the biker follows up with, "Huh?" The trooper says, "I know how you California bikers are. Two miles down the road you're gonna look over at your buddy and shout, "I wish that redneck mutha would've tried that crap with me!"
*********************************************A GOOD EXCUSE
A biker is rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.
The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."
The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."
Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.
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